Dogmatic about being non-dogmatic

[I was asked to write an opinion piece for Subbacultcha magazine. Below is what I came up with. You can also read the Issuu version: click here and leaf to page 57.]

Dogmatic about being non-dogmatic

These are the best goddam bitterballen in the world.

Yes, it’s good to be passionate – to really believe in something.

But you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

The love of your life will probably dump you for a chubbier, more boring version of yourself. 

Your favorite band will likely end up embarrassing you. Their experimental second album will suck because they stuck their heads too far up their own asses for inspiration – only to find nothingness.

That most ultimate bar in the world? Well, soon it will be serving a more lucrative demographic – and force you to bike across town in search of a more affordable version of ultimate-ness.

Do you really believe in the miraculous health power of coconut oil? Well sorry, it turns out its probably worse than beef fat.

And I bet you were convinced that Trump would never win.

Sure it’s great to support your scene. But meanwhile we’re all a bunch of bubbleheads. And really, who’s to say which bubble is the best and the bounciest? Besides, bubbles pop. Or worse: deflate into sagginess.

With the end of world upon us, it’s time to be more nuanced. In fact, perhaps the world is not even ending. And hell, humans have always been flirting with the apocalypse. Before we worried about the vengeful volcano on the edge of our village – or those bloodthirsty savages living on the other side of the valley. Today, it’s about the whole fucking planet. It’s just a question of scale. So stop worrying. Why do you think they invented outer space?

But yes, before we go out and fuck up the universe, we need to sort our shit out.

It’s time to be dogmatic about being non-dogmatic. It’s time to phrase our passions more gently. Not only will we save our future asses from embarrassment, but we will also run less of a risk of offending asses of different bents. Then we can all come together to build a better world.

So let’s say this in unison:

I believe – in this moment – that these are the best goddam bitterballen I’ve ever eaten.

Feel better?

Tags: Journalism