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Grease architecture

food-lube
Another dream fulfilled: writing about my favorite kitchen tool for legendary Dutch architecture magazine Forum. 

Grease: You’re the one I want

A knife can be handy in the kitchen. As is running water to wash your sliced fingers – or that inelegantly dropped sausage. But I believe the ultimate kitchen tool is neither a solid nor a liquid. I chose the middle path: grease. It’s the great binder of both dishes and people (and their alcohol-soaked bellies). I am not fussy on type: it can be olive oil, butter or even the often-maligned margarine. But never coconut oil. Coconut oil is a just a scam perpetrated by the Health Mafia. It’s a marketing lie. True grease is not only a tool but also a medium. It’s elemental. Astronomers recently discovered that the universe is permeated with a “fine mist of grease-like molecules” – enough to make an estimated 40 trillion trillion trillion packs of butter. So perhaps this is a sign that it’s time to embrace a more universal grease. Fuck coconut oil. Let’s get to work and package this cosmic mist […]

Posted: March 20, 2019 at 3:04 pm.

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Book of Denim, Volume Two

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After googling ‘sex’ everyday for four years, it was time to cleanse the palate. So I immersed myself in a whole new and alien supply chain: textiles. Via Book of Denim, Vol. 2 (Amsterdam Publishing, 2018), I got to travel to Tunisia, China, Italy and beyond to write in-depth features on individuals and companies out to transform this notoriously dirty industry. It was educational and inspiring. Thanks book: I’m a sextile pundit now!

Woad rage
First I travelled to Méharicourt, France, to take the road back to woad – the original ‘blue gold’ of the Dark Ages. The woad trade brought vast riches to this region, but only after some branding issues were overcome (namely, blue was previously considered the color of Satan). The indigo dye even went on to fund the building of the largest cathedral in France: the almost Disney-esque Cathedral Basilica of Our Lady of Amiens (the alleged home of John the Baptist’s head – but that’s another story).  Continue Reading…

Posted: March 13, 2019 at 12:15 pm.

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Obscure weekend guide to Amsterdam

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I was asked by the wonderfully quirky Atlas Obscura to write a weekend guide for Amsterdam. So I visit a nun. I visit a parrot. I cruise through primordial soup. I get all esoteric. I play a pianola. I indulge in a bit of bio-hacking. I sleep in a bridge house. And yes, I do pound back a jenever. Or two.

Read it here.

 

Posted: March 13, 2019 at 10:07 am.

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Dogmatic about being non-dogmatic

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[I was asked to write an opinion piece for Subbacultcha magazine. Below is what I came up with. You can also read the Issuu version: click here and leaf to page 57.]

 

Dogmatic about being non-dogmatic

These are the best goddam bitterballen in the world.

Yes, it’s good to be passionate – to really believe in something.

But you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

The love of your life will probably dump you for a chubbier, more boring version of yourself.  Continue Reading…

Posted: March 11, 2019 at 11:07 am.

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Why I haven’t updated my dated website for so long

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I’ve been too busy embracing traditional family values.

(But you can still hit me up for ‘new challenges and opportunities’.)


Gif by Karen Willey.

Posted: March 5, 2019 at 1:50 pm.

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Lost Gravity: It’s a rollercoaster out there, people

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The Netherlands’ largest attraction park Walibi has just opened its latest extreme rollercoaster: Lost Gravity.

I helped with the ride’s background story and wrote the texts for the short films meant to entertain those waiting in line for their one-minute of heart attack.

I also resurrected my nemesis Tad Waterson to play the anchorman. I had killed him off years ago in a tragic hammock accident after I began resenting the fact that this half-assed alter-ego of mine began to get more Facebook friends than my own carefully nurtured and calibrated personal brand. Boy, did I hate Tad. But I’ve done some growing up in recent times and have now decided to take the high road and let bygones are bygones… And thanks to the audio-visual artistry of Arjan Beurskens of This is Taped and creative consulting from J-PECH, Tad is actually looking pretty darn good.

Anyway… The films will apparently be playing on a loop for the next 10-15 years — but not being made available online. So I made a short comic book summary below. Put on your seat belts and enjoy.  Continue Reading…

Posted: June 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm.

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Love Matters (aka: My life in sexwork)

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Until recently, they called me Dr Africa Love. Sure, the title was usually spoken with a mocking tone… But still, being editor for Love Matters Kenya was rewarding work. Plus, it was a part-time gig. So I still had plenty of time to nurture other alter egos, such as Mr Canadian Peckerhead, Captain Cuddles of the Cosmos, Steve, etc.

A HOLE IN THE MARKET
Once upon a time, it all began in India – the land of the Kama Sutra. But it’s also where ‘how to kiss’ is the number one Google search – a situation both adorable and tragic.

The causes: 1) overly shy parents who aren’t sharing the basic facts of life with their kids, and 2) overly zealous politicians who actively pass laws to suppress the flow of these basic facts. But by 2009, most of the info-starved Indian youth had a mobile phone. They could now discretely pump in all their burning questions – on, for example, how to avoid the burning sensations brought on by sexually transmitted diseases. Unfortunately, these questions invariably landed them on porn sites – titillating perhaps, but not always fact-bound.

So what happens if you set up a website that answers all your basic questions and more? A website that is mobile-friendly, interactive, non-judgmental, non-preachy and based on the oddly radical idea that sex is pleasurable. And since sex is fun, people will naturally engage in the bouncy-bouncy. And if people do the bouncy-bouncy, they have the right to know the basics of bounce. And if people want to explore other bouncy urges that are perhaps considered ‘outside the norm’, they should also know the basics around these urges – before bouncing in half-cocked (as it were).

The result was Love Matters, an online platform ‘about love, sex, relationships and everything in between’ that indeed offered the basic facts, along with daily-published stories to jumpstart conversations on social media. Backed by RNW Media (the former Radio Netherlands Worldwide) and funded by the Dutch Ministry of Foreign Affairs, it became a huge success.

In short: Love Matters had found a hole in the market. Continue Reading…

Posted: June 21, 2016 at 2:42 pm.

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What I learned from googling ‘sex’ everyday for four years

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[Update 19-04-2017: Due to a website redesign, many of the below links are now dead. However, you can read many of the mentioned articles HERE.]

I learned very many things thanks to my weekly column ‘Sex in the Press’. And as the column inches towards its 200th edition, I still feel that I have very much more to learn. Yes: sex ed should be considered a lifetime undertaking.

The column collects global news stories related to affairs of the heart and the loins. So for me to stay, um, atop of these issues, I have to, um, insert ‘sex’ into Google News almost every day. Sure, I also appreciate getting sex-related links from friends and colleagues. But Google usually beats them to the punch. Thanks Google! You’re a true perv. Respect.

My orgasm is purple. What colour is yours?
Animal genitals: A gift that keeps giving’ 
How to date a sex doll

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Sex in the Press appears on the acclaimed sex&relationships platform Love Matters (for more on LM and my role as editor, go HERE). Every week, the column is published on the India and Kenya websites, before being bounced to spark conversations with the millions of LM followers on Facebook. It’s also regularly translated into Chinese, Spanish, Arabic and Hindi for the other LM websites. It’s also often picked up by other media such as Youth Ki Awaaz (India), This is Africa, Kenya Buzz and Kenya’s major print newspaper The Star.

The penis in history
Vaginas of yesteryear
Ass from the past

So yes, my column gets around – but don’t you dare slut-shame it. Continue Reading…

Posted: June 9, 2016 at 1:24 pm.

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World’s longest fart joke

Welcome to the fourth dimension. Time. Now take a deep breath. And release…

Over the years, I’ve gotten some strange gigs from the inspired ‘experience architects’ WINK. For example, they once asked me to write and narrate a washroom soundtrack around the concept of ‘time’.

The result ended up unifying two distinct genres: ‘meditation tape’ and ‘fart joke’. And thanks to the audio artistry of Arjan Beurskens of This Is Taped, it actually worked out quite, um, tastefully.

This recording was broadcast as a loop in the VIP bathrooms during Berlin’s music and street fashion festival Bread&Butter. The event took place in Tempelhof Airport which was originally built by brown-shirted Nazis. Coincidence?

For a time afterward, I fantasised about finally specialising and focusing solely on writing fart jokes for a living – with me providing the brown nouns, and Arjan providing the brown sounds. But diversification remains key since this market proved limited. However if you hear of anything, please let us know! We’re still available for weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs!

Anyway, I will let you get to the washroom to give this a full and attentive listen – and please do listen to the very, very end…

Posted: April 5, 2016 at 1:47 pm.

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Dark, stormy and drunk

My contribution to the ‘picture and caption’ issue of Dark&Stormy, the inspired ‘zine from graphic designers/writers Bart de Baets and Rustan Söderling. Check out a digital version HERE before rushing to the excellent Amsterdam art bookshop San Serriffe to see if they still have any hardcopies left.

'Dancing Forest' Curonian Spit Kaliningrad Oblast
‘Dancing Forest’, Curonian Spit, Kaliningrad Oblast
Kaliningrad – the city-formerly-known-as-Königsberg – is a dislocated blob of Russia in the heart of the EU. In days of yore, it was a favoured hang-out for Teutonic Knights. During the Cold War, it was the most militarised zone on the planet. Today, this Baltic region offers visitors unspoiled beaches and drunken pine trees. Depending on who you talk to, the twisted appearance of the trees that form the ‘Dancing Forest’ is caused by microbes, unstable soil or ‘polarized energy fields’. (Steve Korver)

Posted: March 31, 2016 at 1:26 pm.

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